Becoming a mother?

I used to think this was what I was born to be. When you find out it will not happen or it isn't likely to happen your are faced with a dilemma. Do you waste years mourning and beating yourself up because you won't be "normal" or do you find something else to occupy you? I wasted a few years hurting, downing myself and spiraling into panic disorder. I disconnected from the world because I felt I didn't fit anymore. What is my legacy if I am not a mother? What is marriage with an empty house? Will we continue to get more selfish and materialistic as time passes childless? I only wanted a family, to be a mother that I always wished I had. Will anything be as satisfying as the gift of motherhood could be? Probably not.

PVC Heartbeats

These are very closely related to anxiety and they drive me crazy. The heart doctor told me they are not dangerous but the sure do scare the he'll out of me. I sit here with what feels like bubbles in my right side. When I feel my pulse during one, it disappears. I have learned to stop fixating on them. But I still can't stop being very uncomfortable during an episode. They are always worse at night when I lay down, which is already a hard time for panic disorder. These are called Premature Ventricular Complexes. I hate them! Another symptom that could cause me to lose it for a day or so. Besides the "can't breathe" feeling, these are the most unbearable.

Is this really me?

When did my mild anxiety progress into this crazy woman I am today? The one who overanalyzes every pain and ailment to the point of nausea. The person who cant go in public without dosing myself with Xanax. This is my blog. It will be the therapy and journey I need to recover. Hopefully others will join me and share along the way. I am looking to start over and this will be my sounding board.